Months later, here I am. A different person. I see a lot of things from a different perspective.
Last time I blogged I said that I was putting my all into work, cause it kept me sane. I guess it paid off as I got quickly promoted. I have much more responsibilities now, which helps even more. The friendship I mentioned kept on evolving. I couldn’t wait to go to work, cause there I knew I’d get everything I was missing at home – the attention, the recognition, all that jazz. I felt like a valuable person again, like I was worth something. I was fun to be around, I wasn’t boring! I realized how much the home situationship was bringing me down and I got somewhat immune to it. I started to run away from problems into that particular friendship until I realized how dangerous it became. I didn’t wanna be a hypocrite. I didn’t want to be like my husband. I think the fact that he noticed some change in me helped me cut off whatever was starting to form at work before anything actually happened. Do I regret it? Yes, and no. Yes, because I miss being careless. No, because I got to hear “Thanks for sticking with me through all the bullshit I put you through…”
My husband went all out to win me back. Brick by brick he took down the wall I built around me. He did all the things I was missing for months – spontaneous make out sessions, cuddles, sweet talks, ‘I got your fave wine’ surprises for when I was back home from long day at work… All this and more made old and forgotten feelings come back, stronger then ever. I started to trust him again, and when that happened, falling in love with him all over again was easy. It hit me hard, I was head over heels for him.
And then? Everything happened all over again. My heart is in million pieces again, only this time it feels million time worse.
I keep on asking myself why? And I can’t seem to find any answers. One of his friends, that I never met, messaged me the other day, saying to hang on, it will pass. She said he was always talking about me, and how we’re so happy, how he loves me. She said, wait it out, it’s just a phase. But how much more can I handle? One of my friends said ‘He always seems to do those grand dramatic things to win you back, he gets you and then does dumb shit to you’… I don’t think he realizes what he’s doing to me. I have no self esteem anymore, I feel like an used toy that he plays with when he feels it’s convenient and then throws to the side. I feel manipulated. I feel violated. I’m destroyed.
Somewhere in the middle of this whole mess, my best friend passed away. The one person I’d go to when I didn’t know what to do anymore… The person that was with me through all my dilemmas of past months, the person that used to say over and over again ‘I know he makes you feel better, but… SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!’ is not here with me to guide me through. I miss David more and more each day. Every time I go to work, I’m hoping he’ll be there, give me that huge hug and say ‘Don’t worry, Honey Pie, it will all be alright.’ But it’s not alright. I’m depressed to the point that I’m too tired to wear my happy mask at work. And yes, The Other Guy is still around and there for me, but he’s not David. His opinion is tainted by the feelings he still have for me. He says ‘Take one step and a time’, but I don’t wanna take any steps. I wanna be in bed all day and be sad. Actually, no. I don’t wanna be at all.